......

Well I haven't posted anything on this for while, but many things have happened in my life.

To start off back in the beginning of September I moved in the city of Saint Louis from over on the Illinois side of the river.  Great place in a nice neighborhood with an awesome roomie. 

However, a week and a half after I moved I was let go from my job.  Things have been tight.  I was able to find work in a month, but it's way less than what I was making and find it very hard to stay caught up on bills and food.  I'm making about four dollars and hour less than what I was making and am only working part time.  I'm hoping with some constructive budget writing that I will be able to eventually get myself back to a point where I am ahead on my bills like I am used to being.

For those of you that know me, you know that I grew up around music.  I spent the first 18 years of my life doing church musicals and performing in my schools' choirs.  I have now started singing again.  I recently joined the Gateway Men's Chorus.  It is the gay/straight men's choir here in Saint Louis.  So far I have been truly enjoying my experience with them.  We recently had an all day intensive rehearsal session from 9am to 4pm.  I know, all day YUCK!!!! right?  Actually the day flew by and was over before I knew it.  I enjoyed it so much I actually tried out for a got a small solo part in one of the songs we will be singing in our next concert.  Can't wait till December 9th and 10th when I am standing on that stage with my fellow performing members of the chorus.  I won't go into what we are singing, but I can promise you that you will be awed and laugh and moved by the pieces in the show.

Hmmm...

I guess since I started with a down, then up I will go back to another downer in my life.  On Sunday the 30th I received news that a friend of mine had passed away.  On October 23rd my friend Ray Henry Ulirch died.  He was a great guy and a talented musician.  He performed as Radio Jesus.  I always told him that I was his number one fan, buying multiple copies of the three cds that he had released.  I was floored when I found out three days after the funeral that it had come to pass.  Sunday was spent mostly in tears as I sat on the couch and listened to his music and watching videos that his friends and family posted online.  Even now as I type this out there are tears running down my face.  I have my favorite song of his playing.  I so wish that I knew a way to put music on here so that I could share him with you.  I will never forget you Ray.  You will always be with me as I listen to your works, and I will listen to them everyday for the rest of my life.

http://www.internetdj.com/song/73104

I want to share this with you.  It was always my favorite song by Ray.  I truly can almost hear him talking to me now whenever I listen to it.

The Trial

Well the week staying with my friend has past and we got along.  Actually he asked me two days ago to stay for another week because it felt to him like I had just gotten here.  The house is great and room is awesome.

Also it led me to finally do something in this city that I have never done before.  I spent my saturday morning at the Soulard Farmers Market.  Had a great time there just walking around and looking at the different things available.  Picked up a ton of fresh fruit.  Bought a jar of peach butter.  I think I like it more than apple butter.  It's so yummy.

Hmmmmm . . . .

Well here it is early Saturday morning.  I'm sitting at work with nothing to do and my mind is wandering.  The last couple of weeks have brought about a few things that I need to be thinking about. 

First of all one of my ex's moved back to Missouri.  I haven't seen him in over six years, but ever since I found out that he was coming back I find myself thinking about him alot.  We had talked about meeting up after he got back and seeing if there was something there between us still.  Actually, he made the comment that if he fell head over heels for me again I would have to go with him if he ever decided to move away.  I have to say that I'm really wanting to see this person again.  I kinda  . . . well I totally chickened out the first time when I realized that I was falling for him and was afraid of getting hurt.  I have been telling myself that this time I would do better by him since "the icky love stuff" no longer scares me.  

Of course now I am a mix of being confused and not surprised.  I just recently chatted with him online and now that he is back, he ignored every comment I made about us getting together or my wanting to see him.  And of course the voice in the back of my head is saying "Tsk tsk tsk, typical Tim.  Scare them away before you get a chance why don't you.  Just like you always do."


Then there is my trial week at a friend's house.

  A very good friend and I had discussed the possibility of my moving in with him way back in winter.  We kinda had a falling out back in spring, which of course was totally my fault because I had a huge crush on him and finally realized that he wasn't interested when he started seeing someone.  Well obviously since then my sanity returned and the friendship was not lost.  There was no talk of my moving in after that.  It's kinda funny actually because not too long ago I made comment on those discussions and he didn't really remember them.  Then out of the blue he wants to give it a try and asked me to come live with him for a week as a trial to see how we get along in the same roof.  He's also changed his offer from the second floor bedrooms to the other master suite that is on the top floor of the house.  It's actually the room that the picture of me on here was taken in.  And, if you know me from other sites online,  all of my little artsy pics I have were taken in there as well.  This room is massive and so is it's bathroom.  So Sunday evening I will be going there to stay for a week.  I like where I live now,  but this would be so much closer to work and what few friends I have in this area.  It's just outside of downtown and a very beautiful place.  Not to mention that I am so in love with his dogs and I would get to see and play with them everyday.  And of  course I've been joking with friends about how if I lived in the city I might actually get laid.  LOL

Work is it's usual turmoil, but I'm used to it.  Just waiting to see who is gonna quit or get fired next. 

A message to the masses.

Okay.  It was recently suggested to me by someone that I should start blogging, so here I am.  So I figure that I should start with a little about myself and what brought this all about.

I am a 31yo HIV+ gay male.  I didn't become positive by being a slut and no I'm not gonna go into how it came about.  That's all water under the bridge.  I moved beyond it years ago and do not feel the need to go back into again.  What does get me going is the staggering amount of people out there who still to this day think and act as if anyone who is living with this disease should be treated as a leper.

I get so tired of hearing that I'm cute but I'm poz.  Or someone will be talking with me and it would seem as if they are interested in me, then when the elephant in the room is pointed out they do a 180 and are suddenly very cold towards me.  I don't get this.  Are you that shallow or that stupid?

I know plenty of people who are mixed status relationships and are happy.  And yes years later the negative partner is still negative.  It's called safe sex.  I'm sure if you think wayyyy back to junior high you will remember Sex Ed and all the talk about condoms and other safe sex practices to prevent pregnancy and the spread of disease.  I myself  back when I was still negative dated and was physical with a guy who was positive.  And guess what?  I was testing negative years after he and I broke it off.

Isn't that shocking?

I'm a homebody, so I tend to spend a decent amount of time on gay chat and personal sites looking for people to chat with, maybe make a friend or even find a date.  Well not anymore.  I have finally gotten to the point where I have become so sick of idiots giving me the same exact line that I have started deleting every single one of them.  I over reading that same email over and over

Well I guess the person that suggested this to me got tired of listening to me complain to them about it and said I should put my thoughts and feelings about life up on here.  So, here I am. 

My plan is to not always complain.  In truth, I enjoy my life.  I am comfortable with who I am and what I stand for, as well as what I have to offer others being the person that I am.  I just felt that I should open with the reason that I have started on this project.  My plan is to just give a glimpse into my life and life as i see it.  Sometimes it will be good and at other times bad.  Then there will be times when you will read this thinking that I am totally insane and typing from a computer that I smuggled into my padded cell.  But mainly you will see that I am a person, hopefully a person worth knowing.