Winter in July

Okay, well I am a horrid blogger.  It's been months since my last post.  Here's an update.

I am no longer living in the beautiful townhouse in the city.  The friend I was living with had a falling out over how we each thought the other was treating us.  The proper communication was not there and it turned ugly very fast.  So now I am back in the old place in O Fallon.

I can't remember if I mentioned it but the end of November i was hired on at another hotel.  The last week of June they promoted to one of the management positions in the front office.  It has made me realize that there are many things that I still need to learn about the property that I am working at.

I finished out the season with the Gateway Men's Chorus.  I enjoyed it at the time and thought I had made friends, however in the month since out last concert only one has ever reached out to talk to me.  Not sure if I am going to go back in September when the next season's rehearsals start up.

If you are wondering about my love life, it's pretty much non-existant.  I met a guy a few months ago that acted like he was interested only to find out that he was using me to get what he wanted from me.  Luckily on that one I figured it all out right away and broke off all contact with him.

I recently met someone else and felt an immediate connection with him.  Now I'm totally confused.  I haven't heard from him in five days and he doesn't return my messages.  We haven't known each other long, but I am hurting over this.  If he's not interested afterall, I wish he would tell just tell me so that I am not wondering.  If it's something else, all he would have to do is let me know.  Right now I am tearing myself up inside tryingto figure out what is going on and, if you know me, you know that it is not a good thing.  I am questioning what I have said and done when he was around to make him do this.  As well as those thoughts that once again I will be alone and what it is that is wrong with me.  I know that I shouldn't think this way, but I cannot help myself. 

So now I wonder what is next for me.  Work is extremely busy, I feel as if I have no friends and that I am incapable of being loved.  A person who I have come to respect told me recently that I give too much of myself and do this with people who are not willing to give back in return.  That I need to learn to choose who I give to and how much to give them.  My question is how do I learn this when all my life i have given myself to anything and anyone who needs it.  Whether it was been friends, lovers or work, I have always given my all to it.  It's who I am and have always been.  Even when it has led to heartache and heartbreak.  I can't help it.